The best part of my spirit wants to be in control. The ego, the horrible part of me, doesn't agree. But the ego is about to go down for the count. This ego, who I ashamedly call Me creates ugliness, and negative emotions. It reacts from past pain and walls itself off. This Me acts defensive and coils like a scared, cornered cat; claws out and ready to strike. The feeling is physical and the reaction, unconscious and swift. The spirit, the real me, the one who feels such joy at the opportunity to love and exist; who knows clearly the things that bring happiness and purpose wants to punch that me in the face. I (who I shall now name that good spirit) wants Me (yucky me) to go the fuck away. I am sick of Me and the nonsense. I am sick of Me and the trail of hurt. Me is ruining this beautiful life that I am running out of time to create. This gift of every minute of every day is being polluted by Me and I am done.
I has recently taken up arms against Me. And it is exciting. I sees what Me is doing and is finally getting a leg up. Recently, an incident occurred where Me freaked out big time. Fear, blame, hate, and horrible ugly words came out of Me. And I watched from the sidelines. And as I watched I was embarrassed. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe that that was a part of me. I keep saying ugly because there really is no better word to describe looking at this part of me and what it was doing. It was being so hurtful and just so damn disgusting. I felt sorry for it. So fuckin sorry. Sorry for a lifetime of carrying that pain. Sorry for the struggle to get away from it and that has taken so long. I felt such immense sadness. I felt tired.
I have been on this journey for a long time now and began to think that I was just a bad seed that couldn’t be saved but, I think I got it now. Something about this time just clicked. It felt different. It felt like this couldn’t possibly be the way it’s going to go. Just can’t. I told Me to just shut up and went about mentally preparing to deal with the situation. I sent Me to a corner for a big fucking time out. It was a rough few days, battling silently while trying to function in the reality of children and responsibility. I was really able to clear my head, organize my thoughts and be prepared to deal with the situation, not from this place of fear and anger, but from a removed place of common sense and thoughtfulness. I was ready to talk and deal with it. And as those thoughts came I received a phone call that normally Me would have been ready to pick up and unload. But we handled it differently this time. We said things that we have carried around that needed to be freed. We were calm, cool and collected. We felt the pain of the other person involved and we approached with compassion.
It was a watershed moment for our spirit and it felt so hopeful. It felt freeing and I felt Me really back down and feel defeated. I no longer want to be a prisoner of Me. I no longer want to be ruled by fear and pain. I want to be able to be calm, conscious, and thoughtful. Maybe, just maybe, this battle can be the one that wins the war.